everyone makes mistakes.

some more than others. and some mistakes worse than others. some mistakes we wish we could forget. some mistakes we force ourselves to remember. mistakes we learn from and mistakes we keep making. some mistakes that are forgiven. and some mistakes we can never forgive ourselves for.

why then do we keep making mistakes?

its easy to say sorry. its easy to claim it was an accident. its easy to blame it on erred judgement.

but sorry doesnt take away the pain. it doesnt change the fact that people were hurt. and it definitely dosent change the fact that whats done is done. theres no way of turning back time and changing your decision.

and even if u could turn back time,

how far back are you gonna go?

to the day you said goodbye? to the day you met? to the day you picked your first fight? to the day you first lied? to the day you said all those things you never meant to say to him? to the day you called your friend a bitch? to the day you betrayed someone's trust? to the day you ignored someone you loved? to the day you called to cancel your date? to the day you you first discovered the truth? to the day you made the wrong decision?

how far back do you want to go?

ive lost count of the mistakes that ive made. ive made countless bad judgement calls. ive made some pretty stupid decisions in my life. and i've definitely made some serious wrong moves. im not proud of these decisions. and im not proud of this person i was. i wish i had had the strength to do what was right. i wish i had possessed the courage to face up to what id done. maybe if i had. things would be different now. not better. not worse. but just. different.

if i were to be given the chance to change anything in my past. i know exactly what it is that i would change. it wouldnt have made life easier. if anything, it would have made it tougher. but it would also have made me happier. maybe if i hadnt decided so quickly and so rashly. maybe if i had been brave. maybe if i had thought things through a bit more. i might have changed my decision.

i was given the chance. to reverse my decision. but at that point. i was too scared. too afraid. unsure and undecided. i missed my chance. and now i'll never get it back.

all i have now is the pain. a pain so strong it claws at my insides. a hurt so deep its like a knife through the heart. chocking me. consuming me. my head hurts from the pain. and it gnaws at me every single day. all i have now is the pain. the pain and the memories.

and how i treasure those memories.
painful as they are.

all i can say now is that im sorry. i know it doesn’t change anything. i know it doesn’t make what i did right. and i know it doesn’t make you hate me any less. but i just hope you understand.

sorry.