im supposed to know what i want. and if i don't, i'll supposedly find out when i get there. where ever there is. this is what i've been told. that i'll supposedly know when things are right. and everything is perfect, if perfection even exists. haha.

so how is it that i am now in a place where nothing seems right but everything seems perfect? why does my heart tell me to stay but my head tell me to leave? and now the question that remains is,

to stay or not to stay?

that's the biggest question. has been for a while now. do i stay cause it feels right and it makes me happy? or do i leave cause i know its not gonna work and cause it hurts so bad? emotional insecurity, uncertainty and the knowledge that i'm just the filler item. seems a large price to pay for the pseudo sense of security, comfort, intimacy and the fleeting feeling of being somebody's someone special. and that too for just those few moments or those few hours. but i don't know, its difficult to explain. too complicated to put into words i guess. hmmm.

maybe cause you're special. the most special one i've met. you treat me like a princess, make me feel like i'm worth something. maybe because when i'm with you, i'm not just a piece of ass, or some girl to make out with, or a clown who makes everyone laugh. when i'm with you, i'm me, flaws and faults and all. with you i don't have roles to play. i don't feel the need to act the part of anyone other than me.

and the laughter! all that laughter! i don't think anyone person has ever made me laugh as much. and for no reason too! haha. even now, in the midst of this gloomy entry, i'm laughing cause of you.

perhaps thats why i love you. for all the things you are. all that you bring into my life. and all the things you make me be. and all the things you make me want to be.

i didn't choose to love you. seriously. i might be dumb but i'm not THAT stupid to fall in love with an emotionally unavailable man. plus one who's cause i'm fighting for. frankly speaking, till now, even i have no clue how it happened. haha.

but fact is, i'm in love you. i'm crazy about you. and i don't think im ready to give you up yet. thing is, i'm not sure i'll ever be. but if she makes you happy and you know she's the one, then i guess i'll be happy for you. i mean thats what friends are for, no?


so yes. i guess i'm gonna be staying.




at least till my prince charming comes along! haha =)