Faces hide as much as they reveal; things arent always what they seem

bore.dom.

2008-06-07T22:59:00.002+08:00

The product of paid pencil pushing induced boredom:

060608

*AAAaaarrrrghh...... (silence)*

I am now watching my brain cells commit suicide. They are afraid of the slow, painful degeneration that is being forced upon them. I don’t think that alcohol and smokes have had this drastic an effect on my brain cells. I can almost hear them screaming as they plummet into the bottomless abyss that is boredom.

*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*

Ah, there goes another one.

*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*

And another.

My suffering is mine, and mine alone. Perhaps before the day is done I will spontaneously combust. I’m sure the sudden appearance of a giant screaming fireball would suffice to entertain the other pencil pushers who are as driven to insanity as I am. And that would totally set off the sprinklers. I have always been fascinated by sprinklers. There’s one above my desk. I caught myself thinking of ways to set of the sprinklers and then surreptitiously looking around for cameras that may capture my deviance born out of boredom.

1hour and 45 minutes. 105 minutes. 630 seconds.

I’d count the nanoseconds, but I don’t think I have enough brain cells left for an undertaking of such magnitude.
(I had to do long multiplication to get the last value out.)

I shall have to satisfy myself by watching the second hand tick. But oh! How slowly it ticks! It almost seems as though I’m stuck in a perverse time wrap! Looking out my window and into town, I see the many little ant peoples scuttling to beat the clock. And I, poor I, stuck in the hell that is my office, I contemplate beating up the office clock. I’m convinced that it was damaged by some freakishly workaholic aliens in the office. It’s all a part of their plan, to take over the world.

Yes Saji, I finally believe you about the penguins and their suit wearing minions. I have had time to think about it (that, I believe, is the understatement of the year), and I concur on the subject. They’re now trying to sedate me with infuriatingly mundane and mind numbing tasks. I believe that once my brain is seasoned enough, one of the suited minions will complete the transformation by performing the secret penguin hypnosis manoeuvre. I will become one of the OTHERS!

*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*
*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*
*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*
*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*
*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*

Apparently, the fear of impending subordination is causing mass panic with my brain cells. I think those were the last 5 from the left. Or was it 6?
(Confused scratching of head)

Ah, I’ve lost what little mathematical ability I retained at the start of this entry.

Brilliant. The blissful darkness of stupidity cannot be too far away now.

When you die, you’re supposed to see a white light. Well, I say, when your brain dies, you will see a slowly spreading darkness. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT mistake it for cataract and waste your hard earned monies on an operation. Instead, flee! Abandon your desk and run for your life! Run! Before what little brain cells you have intact, succumb to depression and go ballistic!

”Run Forrest, RUN!”

“Save the cheerleader, save the WORLD!”

*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*
*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*

Evidently they’re still dropping like flies.

*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*

Ok. I think I will go assist the mass exodus by listening to Britney Spears’ “Piece of me” on repeat and reading the “British Standard: Code of Practice for Wall and Floor Tiling”.
(Yes. It is true. Contrary to popular belief, such things are apparently not urban myths told by antagonistic architecture professors to scare innocent freshmen.)

*AAAaaarrrrghh…… (silence)*

to stay or not to stay.

2008-05-02T23:59:00.003+08:00

im supposed to know what i want. and if i don't, i'll supposedly find out when i get there. where ever there is. this is what i've been told. that i'll supposedly know when things are right. and everything is perfect, if perfection even exists. haha.

so how is it that i am now in a place where nothing seems right but everything seems perfect? why does my heart tell me to stay but my head tell me to leave? and now the question that remains is,

to stay or not to stay?

that's the biggest question. has been for a while now. do i stay cause it feels right and it makes me happy? or do i leave cause i know its not gonna work and cause it hurts so bad? emotional insecurity, uncertainty and the knowledge that i'm just the filler item. seems a large price to pay for the pseudo sense of security, comfort, intimacy and the fleeting feeling of being somebody's someone special. and that too for just those few moments or those few hours. but i don't know, its difficult to explain. too complicated to put into words i guess. hmmm.

maybe cause you're special. the most special one i've met. you treat me like a princess, make me feel like i'm worth something. maybe because when i'm with you, i'm not just a piece of ass, or some girl to make out with, or a clown who makes everyone laugh. when i'm with you, i'm me, flaws and faults and all. with you i don't have roles to play. i don't feel the need to act the part of anyone other than me.

and the laughter! all that laughter! i don't think anyone person has ever made me laugh as much. and for no reason too! haha. even now, in the midst of this gloomy entry, i'm laughing cause of you.

perhaps thats why i love you. for all the things you are. all that you bring into my life. and all the things you make me be. and all the things you make me want to be.

i didn't choose to love you. seriously. i might be dumb but i'm not THAT stupid to fall in love with an emotionally unavailable man. plus one who's cause i'm fighting for. frankly speaking, till now, even i have no clue how it happened. haha.

but fact is, i'm in love you. i'm crazy about you. and i don't think im ready to give you up yet. thing is, i'm not sure i'll ever be. but if she makes you happy and you know she's the one, then i guess i'll be happy for you. i mean thats what friends are for, no?

so yes. i guess i'm gonna be staying.

at least till my prince charming comes along! haha =)

relationships

2008-04-26T23:46:00.004+08:00

i'll be yours if you'll be mine.

physics

2008-03-30T02:01:00.002+08:00

birdsongs

2008-03-04T01:46:00.002+08:00

as told by visha and written by saji

BUDGIES

When i was much younger we used to have budgies.
A male and a female too!
One day the male budgie flew out of its cage, never to return
We replaced the male for the female
But she was so sad.
She pined for the male
And then she died

THE MYNAH BIRD

Grandpa had a little talking bird
A mynah of yellow and coal
He had to give it away
One very sad day
Poor mynah
It didn't eat, it didn't drink
It was so dreary
For grandpa it would call daily
To visit it a week later grandpa went
And soon after the mynah was spent

a song.

2008-02-13T00:48:00.000+08:00

to you,
who made me listen to this song.
and made me cry.
all over again.
this is for you.

hope you're happy now.

sakkarai nilavae penn nilavae
kaanum poadhae karaindhaayae
nimmadhi illai yaen illai nee illaiyae

manam pachai thanni dhaan pennae
adhai patra vaithadhu un kannae
yen vaazhkai ennum kaattai erithu
kulir kaayndhaai kodumai pennae
kavidhai paadina kanngal
kaadhal paesina kaigal
kadaisiyil ellaam poigal
en pinju nenju thaangumaa?

kaadhal endra ondru adhu kadavul poala
unara thaanae mudiyum adhil uruvam illai
kaayam kanda idhayam oru kuzhandhai poala
vaayai moodi azhumae solla vaarthai illai
anbae un punnagai yellaam adi nenjil saemithaen
kannae un ponnagai yellaam kanneeraai urugiyathey
vellai sirippugal un thavaraa?
adhil kollai poanadhu en thavaraa?
pirindhu sendradhu un thavaraa?
naan purindhu kondadhu en thavaraa?
aann kanneer parugum pennin idhayam
sadhaiyalla kallin suvaraa?

kavidhai paadina kanngal
kaadhal paesina kaigal
kadaisiyil ellaam poigal
en pinju nenju thaangumaa?

november maadha mazhaiyil naan nanaivaen endraen
enakkum kooda nanaidhal miga pidikkum endraai
mottai maadi nilavil naan kulippaen endraen
enakkum andha kuliyal miga pidikkum endraai
sugamaana kural yaar endraal suseela'vin kural endraen
enakkum andha kuralil yaedho mayakkam ena nee sonnaai
kanngal moodiya buddhar silai
en kanavil varuvadhu pidikkum endraen
thayakkam enbadhay siridhum indri
adhu enakkum enakkum dhaan pidikkum endraai
adi unakkum unakkum ellaam pidikka

ennai yaen pidikkaadhu endraai?

a million miles away.

2008-01-25T20:07:00.000+08:00

today was the first time that she wasn't there with him.

he was holding her, whispering in her ear. teasing her and making her laugh. and the all while she was a million miles away. kissing her neck he didn't see the tears in her eyes. he felt her hands in his hair, on his back, caressing his face.

how could he know?

how could he know that her touch meant more than that. how could he know that she was clinging on to him for dear life. grasping at straws and wanting something she could never have.

there were moments.

moment when she wanted so desperately to push him away. push away the lie that was them. tell him that play acting and charades behind closed doors was not how she'd imagined it.

and yet.

they moved together. in a dance so primitive and base. a union that was sacred, and yet, profane.

and she knew.

as she looked down on herself from a million miles away. she knew, that their moments together would forever be shrouded in lies and shadows. and as much as it hurt, knowing that her fantasy would never be their reality. she knew, she would never leave.

not so long as she was foolish enough to hope.

and so they danced. danced till they were spent. and when the moment had passed, she turned her head and wept. wept for a future that was not meant to be. silent tears for a man who'd never love her.

and still she hoped.

time.

2008-01-25T15:29:00.000+08:00

"What is it? My dear?"

"Ah. How can we bear it?"

"Bear what?"

"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"

"We can be quiet together, and pretend - since it is only the beginning - that we have all the time in the world."

"And everyday we shall have less. And then none."

"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"

"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when i go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."

-A.S. Byatt, Possession

i apologise

2007-11-07T02:46:00.000+08:00

It's taking over

feels like familiar regret

it get's me started

there's many things I should have said

I find it hard but I'll try

I'll try

For all the times

For all the cries

For all the pain I've caused

I apologize

lay down my pride

Give me one more chance

before you walk away

Time goes by now

but you can't seem to forget

I took for granted

all off the things that I had

I know I hurt you

Hear me out

For all the times

For all the cries

For all the pain

I've caused

I apologizelay down my pride

Give me one more chance

before you walk away

I understand the way you're feeling

(just don't walk away)

I know there are a million reasons

(to walk away)

I let you down but please just hear me out

(Before you walk away)

Before you walk away

For all the times

For all the cries

For all the pain I've caused

I apologize

lay down my pride

Give me one more chance

before you walk away

before you walk away..

-"i apologise" by krezip-

more than 10 things i hate about you.

2007-10-17T03:13:00.000+08:00

I hate it when you argue with me,
your stupid Geico caveman look.
I hate it when you ignore me,
and keep playing on your stupid injuries.

I hate it when you nag,
nag and nag and nag and nag and nag.
I hate it when come over and mess my place,
leave your stuff around and not clean up.

I hate you when you're mean to me,
even more when you're nice.
I hate the way you read my mind,
so much so i cant lie to you.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,
makes me worry till i'm sick.
I hate how much i care,
and that i even give a damn,

I hate how u accuse me of everything,
breaking your heart, abandoning you, bullying you.
I hate how you say you saw God,
for all the wrong wrong wrong reasons.

I hate how you make me say things,
things that i never like saying. ever.
I hate that you know that i hate saying those things,
and yet you make me say them!

I hate you making fun of me all the time,
all the damn time about every damn thing.
I hate it way you insist that you're always right,
and even more when you really are.

I hate that you make me laugh,
even when i'm pissed at you.
I hate how you make me cry,
especially when you not being a shit.

I hate it when you're not around,
and when i have to wait for your call.
I hate that you're on my mind
all the bloody time!

I hate that you made me read that poem,
out aloud to you!
I hate how you laugh at me,
like im some misbehaving child.

Right now,

I hate the fact that you made me blush,
and i know you'll do it again.
And i hate how ive run out of things to hate about you,
though i know this is not all of it.

But most of all.

I hate the way i don't hate you.
Can't hate you.
Not even close.
Not a single bit.

AND YOU KNOW IT!
JACKASS!
*glare*

-adapted from "10 things i hate about you poem"

the archi-tortured soul

2007-10-11T17:43:00.000+08:00

this is something i got off PartIV-Architectural Antifreeze.
read it. and laugh. haha.

Once, a long time ago in the days of yore, I had a friend who was studying architecture to become, presumably, an architect.

This friend introduced me to other friends, who were also studying architecture. Then these friends had other friends who were architects - real architects doing real architecture like designing luxury condos that look a lot like glass dildos. And these real architects knew other real architects and now the only people I know are architects. And they all design glass dildos that I will never work or live in and serve only to obstruct my view of New Jersey.

Do not get me wrong, architects. I like you as a person. I think you are nice, smell good most of the time, and I like your glasses. You have crazy hair, and if you are lucky, most of it is on your head. But I do not care about architecture. It is true. This is what I do care about:

* burritos
* hedgehogs
* coffee

As you can see, architecture is not on the list. I believe that architecture falls somewhere between toenail fungus and invasive colonoscopy in the list of things that interest me.

Perhaps if you didn’t talk about it so much, I would be more interested. When you point to a glass cylinder and say proudly, hey my office designed that, I giggle and say it looks like a bong. You turn your head in disgust and shame. You think, obviously she does not understand. What does she know? She is just a writer. She is no architect. She respects vowels, not glass cocks. And then you say now I am designing a lifestyle center, and I ask what is that, and you say it is a place that offers goods and services and retail opportunities and I say you mean like a mall and you say no. It is a lifestyle center. I say it sounds like a mall. I am from the Valley, bitch. I know malls.

Architects, I will not lie, you confuse me. You work sixty, eighty hours a week and yet you are always poor. Why aren’t you buying me a drink? Where is your bounty of riches? Maybe you spent it on merlot. Maybe you spent it on hookers and blow. I cannot be sure. It is a mystery. I will leave that to the scientists to figure out.

Architects love to discuss how much sleep they have gotten. One will say how he was at the studio until five in the morning, only to return again two hours later. Then another will say, oh that is nothing. I haven’t slept in a week. And then another will say, guess what, I have never slept ever. My dear architects, the measure of how hard you’ve worked and how much you’ve accomplished is not related to the number of hours you have not slept. Have you heard of Rem Koolhaas? He is a famous architect. I know this because you tell me he is a famous architect. I hear that Rem Koolhaas is always sleeping. He is, I presume, sleeping right now. And I hear he gets shit done. And I also hear that in a stunning move, he is making a building that looks not like a glass cock, but like a concrete vagina. When you sleep more, you get vagina. You can all take a lesson from Rem Koolhaas.

Life is hard for me, please understand. Architects are an important part of my existence. They call me at eleven at night and say they just got off work, am I hungry? Listen, it is practically midnight. I ate hours ago. So long ago that, in fact, I am hungry again. So yes, I will go. Then I will go and there will be other architects talking about AutoCAD shortcuts and something about electric panels and can you believe that is all I did today, what a drag. I look around the table at the poor, tired, and hungry, and think to myself, I have but only one bullet left in the gun. Who will I choose?

I have a friend who is a doctor. He gives me drugs. I enjoy them. I have a friend who is a lawyer. He helped me sue my landlord. My architect friends have given me nothing. No drugs, no medical advice, and they don’t know how to spell subpoena. One architect friend figured out that my apartment was one hundred and eighty seven square feet. That was nice. Thanks for that.

I suppose one could ask what someone like me brings to architects like yourselves. I bring cheer. I yell at architects when they start talking about architecture. I force them to discuss far more interesting topics, like turkey eggs. Why do we eat chicken eggs, but not turkey eggs? They are bigger. And people really like turkey. See? I am not afraid to ask the tough questions.

So, dear architects, I will stick around, for only a little while. I hope that one day some of you will become doctors and lawyers or will figure out my taxes. And we will laugh at the days when you spent the entire evening talking about some European you’ve never met who designed a building you will never see because you are too busy working on something that will never get built. But even if that day doesn’t arrive, give me a call anyway, I am free.

Yours truly,
Annie Choi

and for the engineers out there:

"Hey all you architects, I want you to try something completely revolutionary that will make you loved by every engineer on the planet…. are you ready……. Once you have designed something and issued it; DON”T CHANGE YOUR MIND EVERY DAMN SECOND!!!!!!! I realise you may have walked past a florist and the particular shade of purple in the new delivery of tulips may have inspired you to scatter the pillows in the lobby at a slightly different angle, thereby requiring a redesign of the parking garage, but WE DON”T CARE!!!! In fact, we are also SICK OF YOUR SHIT!! We have better things to do than redesign our installations every time you have a crazy whim. Wanna know why building costs are so high?? Because we all take 5 times longer than we should because of Architectural changes!! Have a nice day ;)"

comment by: All engineers can break out of prison

miss you.

2007-10-10T00:29:00.000+08:00

its been another year

and yet i still miss you.

"good night baby,
rock yourself to sleep,
sleep tight baby,
rock yourself to sleep,
bye bye baby,
rock yourself to sleep."
-Eagles

tears.

2007-10-06T00:49:00.001+08:00

you ask me why i cry.
why i shed these senseless tears.
and i know not how to answer.
and i know not how to respond.

what am i supposed to say?

am i supposed to tell you
how much you mean to me?
or should i tell you
how im so afraid?

should i tell you how
im afraid to lose you?
or should i tell you how
im afraid you'll leave me?

how can i put into words
how truly happy you make me feel?
and how i know that i
can never make you as happy as she?

am i supposed to tell you
how i fear that
each moment i have with you
will be my last?

or am i supposed to tell you
how everytime you brush the hair off my face
or hold my hand in yours
i imagine something that is not there?

am i supposed to say
that i know there is no future?
no place for me in your heart
because you've already given it to her.

or am i supposed to say
that im gonna miss you?
miss you when you're here
and miss you when you're gone.

how do i tell you
that i know we're a lie?
a false hope that i know
will never be.

how do i say it all
when i know.

when i know that when you say
"i love you"
is not the same as when i say
"i love you"

how then do i tell you
the reason for my tears?

waiting.

2007-08-20T01:21:00.000+08:00

call me stupid,
call me dumb.
but i'm still waiting for a sign

perhaps i am masochistic.
perhaps i am blind.
but i'm still waiting for your call

maybe i'm an idiot.
maybe i'll never learn.
but i still hope its me you'll see

call me stupid,
call me dumb.
but i'll be here,
till you come around.

and she loved him.

2007-08-12T02:55:00.000+08:00

he smiled at her
while he walked with another.
his heart far away
his eyes constantly seeking.

not seeing.
the one before him.
wearing her heart on her sleeve.
holding out her life to him.

but yet she smiled.
smiled at his joy.
cried for his pain.
and wished he would let her in.

cause she knew that she would
love him like no other.
shelter him and protect him
cradle him and comfort him.

she knew that she loved him more.
more than he would ever know
and more than he would love her.
but she loved him anyway.

and she knew she'd love him.
even if her loved her not.

the simple things.

2007-08-03T00:27:00.000+08:00

its complicated.
cold. and distant.
its painful.
sharp. and real.
its difficult.
unknown. and scary.

she's lost.
in limbo.
floating. and waiting.
in anticipation.
hurting. and wanting.
in love.
crying. and alone.

she wonders.
if its real.
longing. the past.
if it'll die.
questioning. the present.
if the end is near.
afraid. the future.

and she asked.
how did it happen?
who. and what.
where. and when.
the simple things.
the ones we loved.
and who loved us back.

faerie magic

2007-07-25T12:18:00.000+08:00

and in the fading light
as the rain fell down upon her,
her scars washed away
and her soul was cleansed.

leaving her standing,
alone in the twilight.
naked and pure,
as the day she was born.

and more beautiful then ever.

sing to me

2007-06-26T01:26:00.000+08:00

yr heart sings too?
pray tell.
wat songs does it sing?

does it sing
of loneliness and despair.
of a failing hope in a desolate world

or does it sing
of love lost and tears shed
over a love never to be had?

perhaps it sings
a prayer for a new dawn
and to the changing of the tides

and maybe
just maybe

if it hears the song of my heart
it will forget its sorrows and its fears
and sing a song of hope renewed

sweet dreams.

2007-06-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

he was just another face standing in the crowd
a stranger in the night
a voice she had never heard
someone she thought she'd never love,
untill he came closer

he spoke to her of dreams she had never dared dream
kept her afloat when she thought she was drowning
held his hands to her cheeks,
whispered a song in her ear,
and told her not to fear

he said
"dont look back
and dont turn back
cause im not strong enough
to lose you"

she felt a sudden joy so whole and pure
it flowed into her heart and through her veins
a new and wonderous pain
that claimed her soul and then some

a simple song; a single rose was all he had
but she loved him all the same
even when he said
"im too afraid to try,
im so afraid i'll lose her"

and so she said
"dont look back
and dont turn back
cause if she's smart
she won't leave you"

she watched as he turned and stared at the distance
haunted by the ghost of longing and despair
she knew she'd never have him for her own
she knew yet she held on.

so she looked him in the eye;
looked at him and told him
"hold me baby closer, hold me baby tighter
we'll make this all undone
i'll take away your pain
and love you"

and he said
"i wont look back
and i wont turn back
cause im not strong enough
to lose you"

one balmy night as they sat under the stars
talking, laughing, crying and dreaming about the years
she fell asleep in his arms
the sweetest dream she'd ever had

and when she woke she knew he was gone
one last kiss, one final farewell
she felt it in the wind
and she heard it in her heart

"dont look back
and dont turn back
but im not strong;
not strong enough
to love you"

broken heart.

2007-06-14T21:16:00.000+08:00

A misguided hand;
A passionate heart.
Moments lost and memories made
Regret and pain tearing her apart.

So her heart sang,
A song of sorrow and betrayal.
Of trust lost and love cheated
A stolen moment in a timeless horizon.

Such was the song,
The song of her broken heart.

Hollywood Kiss.

2007-06-09T23:07:00.000+08:00

-edit: visha loves the people who pay attention to her posts! *grin*-

A sun drenched beach
A moonlit eve

The shade and the shadow
And the dance of the leaves
The scent of lillies
The sigh of the breeze

And as she sat
Alone with her thoughts

She wished she could've told him
That all she ever wanted
Was nothing more than
A Hollywood Kiss

Absence.

2007-06-09T13:54:00.002+08:00

1. work.
2. deadlines.
3. work.
4. Theodore and TC
5. work.
6. Woodlands, Woodlands and Woodlands!
7. work.
8. ACS, ACS, ACS!
9. work.

and now. the latest ploy in the conspiracy against visha.

10. Design TC's brother's bungalow.

and that. i believe. is more than enough explanation for my absence.

p.s: my ghost writer owes me a sappy post. now. NOW!

enough is enough.

2007-05-14T23:11:00.000+08:00

ive tried so hard. ive kept my grades up. ive balanced my life pretty well. i dont have a criminal record. ive never gotten anything worse then a detention. ive never brought you shame. i have never publicly humiliated you. ive made mostly informed decisions. and i'm pretty good at telling the difference between right and wrong. acceptable and unacceptable.

and ive always done my best.

i know i have made mistakes. ive failed some. ive been rude stubborn bratty and even impossible at times. ive betrayed your trust. first out of fear. then out of the realisation that the truth doesnt matter anyways.

but does that make me a bad person? does it make me a rebel? does it make me a lost cause? and does it mean that i am not good enough? it is wrong of me to expect to be allowed a few mistakes? mistakes which other can find the heart to forgive and forget but you cant? does it mean that no matter what i do it will never be quite what is needed to make you love me?

i used to care. i used to think your approval mattered. i used to think that maybe if i tried harder you'd actually love and respect me.

but now.
i give up.

because im sick of it.

im sick of being second best to your unattainable definitions of perfection. im sick of making sacrifices to make you happy. im sick of playing by your rules and massaging your ego. im sick of you labelling me and stepping on my pride. im sick of adhering to your double standards. im sick of your abuse. and im sick of never being good enough.

simply put.
im sick of you.

it hurts me to say it. beacause i do respect you quite alot. i respect the life you've made for yourself. i respect your social standing. i respect your hard work and determination. and i respect your single mindedness in achieving your goals.

but enough is enough.
im done living for you.
and im done playing your silly games.

its time i started living for myself.

lau.

2007-05-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

to the boy who almost always refuses to smile for the camera

to the boy who bought me 5 lovely doughnuts and then met me at work to pass them to me

to the boy who stood by me through it all

and to the boy who never fails to make me laugh

you is the bestest friend i could ever have.

Happy Birthday Saji Waji!
*big bear hugs & wet sloppy kisses*

you're the best thing that i have.

2007-05-07T01:43:00.000+08:00

you've held my hand.
and wiped my tears.
laughed with me.
and laughed at me.

you've been around.
looked out for me.
fought for me.
protected me.

you've done so much.
and you think you know me.
know all i can be.
and i all i have been.

but im so much more baby.
im so much worse.
so far from the rosy picture you paint.
lacking in all the hope you have.

i wish i could tell you.
and i want to tell you.
i cant live this lie anymore.
cause it kills me to hide this from you.

thing is.
im not brave enough.
not brave enough to face your disappointment.
not strong enough to own up to my mistakes.

im too scared.
too scared that you'll judge me.
judge me and leave me.
leave me when i need you most.

and right now.
i cant lose you.

cause right now.
you're the best thing that i have.

what if.

2007-05-02T23:26:00.000+08:00

what if i told u i loved you.
would you tell me i was wrong?

what if i told u i felt you holding my hand.
would you tell me it was a dream?

what if i told you i heard the whisper of your voice.
would you tell me i was imagining it?

and what if i told you i missed you every day.
would you tell me that its all a lie?

what if i told you i loved you.
would you turn around and walk away?

would you?

pain

2007-04-24T23:00:00.000+08:00

bumps. burns. cuts. bruises.
painful reminders.
of sins and sacrifices.

someone.
please stop me.

please.

goodbye.

2007-03-31T04:00:00.000+08:00

you left me with a dull ache and an emptiness.
a hollow that yearns to be filled.
an darkness in my soul.
and a chill in my bones.

the tears that dried on my cheeks.
the words that never left my lips.

you walked away and never looked back.
never kissed me goodbye.

you made me feel perfect and special,
when you gathered me close in your arms.
and in the depths of your eyes,
i saw my own beauty reflected.

for a moment i belonged to you.
in a special place where it was just you and me.
you became mine and i became yours.
still there is no one like you.

but you walked away and never looked back.
never kissed me goodbye.

be warned.

2007-03-30T23:57:00.000+08:00

when visha is deprived of her laptop. and exposed to excessive amounts of stress. and forced to complete mind blowing amounts of work. and has to tolerate irritating specimens of the human race. and is denied her one effective form of relaxation.

visha gets very upset.

and when visha is upset. visha is easily annoyed.

and visha is annoyed by an astonishing number of things.

so just in case you have the misfortune of crossing paths with visha in the near future. these are the few things you should take into account:

1. body odour will not be tolerated. you will most likely be sprayed with some form of deodorizing agent.

2. i am a bitch. i will diss who i want to. i will cuss when i want to. i will throw tantrums. i will whine. i will do many other unacceptable things. and you will not question me.

3. bad fashion sense will not be forgiven. i WILL comment loudly on uncoordinated outfits. and ridiculous items of clothing. and gaudy accessories.

4. keep your aesthetically unappealing things hidden. i dont want to see it if it's ugly. i dont care if you think its cute. or adorable.

5. do not tell me how bad my dark rings are. i KNOW i look like a panda. and your name is not "mirror mirror on the wall."

6. unruly children will be tripped. or "accidentally" slapped. or kicked. and their parents will be verbally abused for producing hell spawn. keep your children far away from me.

7. courtesy is much appreciated. if you step on my foot - apologise. if you elbow me - apologise. if you take my eye out with your file - apologise. or God be with you.

8. if i look like i havent slept in days i probably havent. DO NOT ask me about it. if not i will ensure you sleep for eternity.

9. if you have nothing constructive to say. or have doubts about the nature of your intended statement. dont say anything. you will probably be safer and subject to less bodily harm.

10. do not assault my ears with bad music. i will take offense. and i will probably destroy the source of said bad music.

11. i do not want to hear about your exams. or your tests. or your assignments. or your CCA commitments. be happy i remember your name.

12. peace offerings do exist. coffee. tea. fags. extra points if you know which type of coffee and what brand of fags.

13. do not comment on my eating habits. drinking habits. or preferred form of lung exercise. unless you are suicidal.

14. falling asleep. talking about sleep. discussing sleep disorders. anything remotely associated with the word SLEEP is expressly forbidden.

15. responding to smses, msn messages, emails and phone calls are my prerogative. do not hound me. i will set rabid dogs on you.

16. if you know what is good for you, you WILL NOT mention "Dhool" "Vidiyal" "Vasantham Central" "Megastar" "prize money" "vouchers" "airline tickets" or any related topic. you risk an outburst of epic proportions.

17. information about the progress of your design is NOT welcome. i do not want to know if your floors do not connect. or if you have too many columns. or if you have no 3-D detail section. I DO NOT CARE.

18. do not play games with me. ANY kind of games. i am not in a playful mood.

19. if you need a favour from me. if you need me to help you. if you need me to do something for you. you are not welcome in my universe anymore.

20. humor is not appreciated. i do not think your jokes are funny. i do not think you are funny. and i am definitely not funny.

annoyed visha is painfully unforgiving. and unsympathetic. and hysterical.

so please. if your name is not saji, shar, priya, navan, crunch or mum. if you are not capable of providing my preferred form of relaxation. if you value your life. and do not want to see visha transformed into a homicidal maniac.

do not antagonize her till 27th April.

farewell.

2007-03-25T04:05:00.000+08:00

"visha.

the time has come. you have to move on. its over between us. you know it. and i know you can feel it.

its been a good 8 weeks. we had fun all those late nights and early mornings. poking and prodding. teasing and tweaking. realigning to get the position right. and making sure there was always a perfect fit.

at times i could feel your frustration. when things werent going the way you planned it. and the size was just not right. but believe me when i say i did my best not to let you down. it wasnt my fault all those times we had to stop half way. neither was is my fault when the action lagged and slowed down.

i was just tired from working all day.

we had our fun. the new toys. the new positions. the new angles.

but now.

the passion we shared is no more. the fire has died and im exhausted. i need my space. and even you sense the futility in your attempts to keep our relationship exciting.

just admit it visha. its over.
so let me rest. delete me from your life.

please."

so spoke my design.
and i had no choice but to comply.

me.

2007-03-20T23:46:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

rugged. rough around the edges. appreciate unpredictability. pampered. crave relaxation. unwind. switch off. steady. coastline and country side. insatiable. high sex drive. appetite for lurve. adrenaline rush. taking risks. pushing limits. confident. brave. culture vulture. well groomed. stablity. comfort. routine. cool. contemporary. simple. romantic. dreamer. energy. activity. exploring boundaries.

photoshop.

2007-03-13T06:08:00.000+08:00

so.

i was fooling around with photoshop.
Adobe Photoshop CS.
trying to create a nice background for my design panels.

and instead.

i came up with some nice wallpaper type thingy which i have decided to share with the rest of you.
and that explains my new happy-fi-ying blog template.

plus saji said my blog is dead.
i think this is a good way to revive it.

no?

p.s: visha will produce nice wallpapers for whoever wants them.
(for a small fee of course)

truth.

2007-03-04T15:01:00.000+08:00

evidently there are some of you out there who are a bit disillusioned about this simple thing called TRUTH.

well for those of you dumb fucks out there let me reiterate.

if you come and ask me to tell you what happened. i will tell you. if you ask me to tell you the truth i will tell you the truth. and if im not gonna tell you the truth im not gonna lie to you. i just wont tell you anything.

so dont you fucking come to me and keep asking me to tell you the truth when ive already told you the bloody truth. just because the version of the story you heard from someone else isnt the same as my version doesnt mean im lying. and dont use that as a fucking excuse to keep asking me about it. cause ive fucking told you the truth. and if you dont wanna bother believing me. then dont fucking ask me in the first place.

if what you want is for me to back up the story youve heard. then dont fucking ask me to tell you the truth. just ask me to repeat the story you heard elsewhere and then you can be satisfied that you got the "truth" from me.

you bastard.

now that's most definitely the TRUTH.

thoughts.

2007-03-04T01:29:00.000+08:00

what if...

i hadnt come to NUS.

i hadnt applied for architecture.

i hadnt agreed to dance for sangae.

i hadnt slacked off so much in my first year.

i hadnt compromised family for school.

i hadnt gotten drunk all those times

i hadnt been so "friendly".

i hadnt placed so much trust in people.

i hadnt decided to commit to Dhool.

i hadnt called it quits.

what if.

i hadnt taken things into my hands.

i had waited for someone to step in.

i had depended on the world to save me.

i had simply given up when it seemed too much.

i had allowed my fears to consume me.

i had weakend under the pressure.

i had broken down.

what if i had let it all pass me by?

if i had.

i would be standing here wondering why.

are you wondering why?

NUS Vidiyal and the Finals

2007-02-27T14:35:00.000+08:00

its over. the long drawn out journey. 4 months of back breaking work. sewing costumes. designing costumes. trips to arab street. bruises. aching knees and backs. chaffted feet and abrasions. arguments. insecurities. the blood. the tears. the sweat. after all of that. its over.

and we won.

as faisal said:

"neendamaana paiyanam. kadinamaana paiyanam. aanal iruthiyil inimaiyaana paiyanam."

translation: it was a long journey, a hard journey. but in the end a sweet journey."

to our parents, relatives, friends, supporters and everyone: we couldnt have done it without you. thanks for all the moral support, criticism and the sms votes. we owe you guys big time. and you guys are part of the Vidiyal family as well. *grin*

to my darlings and sweethearts: aarthi bav shar fai raz jay and jerry. im glad i shared this with you guys. even with the fights and misunderstandings and every other sour experience. i wouldnt trade it for the world. i can sincerely say im gonna miss each and everyone of you. im gonna miss yelling at you'll to keep your costumes. im gonna miss playing soccer with the boys. im gonna miss sending mass Vidiyal smses starting with "darlings and sweethearts". im gonna miss bitching with the girls. and most of all im gonna miss all the fun times that we had. i love every single one of you to bits. *hugs*

respect to our competitiors at the finals. we recognize your talent and are proud to have been up against worthy opponents. at the end of the day. we know that we are all talented in our own fields of dance and im glad we were mature about the competition and the outcome. *hats off*

with that i shall conclude and leave you with NUS Vidiyal in "Navras" and "Fusion".

*bow*

NAVRAS

FUSION and prize presentation

sms vote -space- 2 to 73388

2007-02-21T23:36:00.000+08:00

as you guys should already know. im dancing for NUS Vidiyal in the ongoing Dhool dance competition organised by Megastar Productions. the grand finals will be held on Sunday 25th Feb at 6pm and there will be a live telecast on Vasantham Central.

part of what decides the winners of the competition is the audience voting which contributes to 40% of the final score. having said that. we Vidiyalites need all the support we can get from you.

if you have yet to see us perform you can catch our quarter finals dance HERE. and our semifianls dance HERE.

at this juncture i would like to appeal to all of you on behalf of NUS Vidiyal. please read the message below. and please vote for us.

sms vote -space- 2 to 73388 and show us your love!

A Message from the Vidiyalites:

Hey Frens!

U have seen NUS VIDIYAL perform. From
Pasa Doble, to Salsa, to Street Jazz, we
have given all our best to constantly
entertain the masses. We are
showcasing our whole repertoire of
dance talents to reach out to the
dancer in each and everyone of u!

Thank you for the electrifying support
so far and do give us your whole
hearted support for this last
masterpiece that we have created
specially for U ppl...our fans. We
need U to bring us thru the finish
line.

We Dare to Dream...but We need U to
turn our dreams into reality!

Vote for us NUS VIDIYAL...

TYPE: vote -space- 2
and send to 73388

Every Vote Brings us Closer to
Achieving Our Dreams...Thank you for
ur unwavering support!

-Vidiyalites-

nature

2007-02-16T21:57:00.000+08:00

lay me down upon a bed of leaves,
and take the flower that is mine.
water me, nourish me.
and turn my flowers into fruit.

Vidiyalites Rock!

2007-02-12T15:47:00.000+08:00

NUS Vidiyal at Dhool Semi Finals!

thanks to the person who uploaded the video!the sound is a bit lagging though. but you get the drift. and thanks also to Faisal for editing our tv version! *grin*

irony.

2007-02-10T01:03:00.000+08:00

as i sit here.
wishing i could hold you in my arms.
wishing i could feel your fingers in mine.
wanting the gentle sigh of your breath on my cheek.
the soft chuckle of your laughter.

i dream.
about your smile when you look at me.
about the laughter i'll never hear.
the mischievious twinkle in your eyes.
of the things that could have been.

of knowing you.

you're so far away.
yet it feels like you're by my side.
a part of me.
in the breath that i take.
in the tears that i cry.

i could have held you when you cried.
wiped away your tears.
held you close.
chased away the demons.
and told you everything would be fine.

i would have taken away the pain.
had i not been the cause of it.

now i can see you smiling at me.
telling me not to wish for what is lost.
telling me to move on.
telling me that it'll be ok.

someday.

funny how things change.
the roles reversed.
and now you're reassuring me.

the cruel irony of it all.

he.

2007-02-07T21:28:00.000+08:00

he makes you smile.
he makes your heart flutter.
he makes you laugh.
and then he laughs at you.

he holds you close.
he makes you feel safe.
he keeps you warm.
and he gives you butterflies in your tummy.

he shelters you.
he holds your hand.
he worries for you.
and he's the one you want.

now all you gotta do.

is find him.
or let him find you.

make it stop.

2007-02-06T22:44:00.000+08:00

i cant breathe.

overwhelmed. frustrated. desperate.

im choking on my own breath. gasping for air. i see only darkness. and despair.

the more i have people around me the more alone i feel. its as if no one else shares my pain and confusion. its as if im surrounded by an invisible wall of silence. its as if walls are closing in on me. its as if im a spectator watching my life pass me by.

so much noise. so much colour. so much confusion. there are too many people talking in my head. talking too loudly. talking too much. but i cant hear them. and their words wash over me. suffocate me. drown me.

and i cant breathe.

please.
just make it stop.

love. war. and the third person.

2007-01-25T16:45:00.000+08:00

visha is thinking she has forgotten how to blog. visha hasnt blogged in ages. and visha is talking in the third person because her fellow flamingos keep refering to themselves in the third person as well. and it all gets very confusing when one flamingo is talking about all three other flamingos in the third person and then after a while you forget which flamingo is actually doing the talking and then the second flamingo asks for clarification in the third person and then the blur third flamingo cuts in with a random thrid person statement and then thee first flamingo attempts to clarify everything but gets everything confused and then you try to start all over again then the tird person comes and it gets all noisy again and then you're stuck. do you get what visha just said? visha didnt.

haha.

so now that im done jabbering away in the third person. i will go on to more inportant matters. oops. there are none. haha. gosh this is turning out to be an absolutely muddle-headed post. i think its all the love thats in the air. making me dizzy. the love. and the non love.

whoever said that true love exists is a moron. he obviously needs a reality check. and a trip to the 21st century. if true love existed then finding it should be easy, no? and we wouldnt have to make ridiculous choices and decisions. and people wouldnt be heart broken. and the world would be a happier place. ya right.

no wonder people rather go to war then embark on the quest for true love.

in war its either you die or you live. you win or you lose. you surrender or commit suicide. you're a hero or a villan.

but in matters of the heart everything gets all confused and complicated. you die so your lover will be happy. you win the hand of the girl but not her heart. you win her heart but she's still with the villan. the hero doesnt always have a happy ending. you could win and not be happy. you could lose your love and still be over the moon. the villian steals the heart of your love. the villian turns out to be a nice guy. suicide just complicates matters. and when you surrender life usually gets eaaier.

is that confusing or is that confusing.

tsktsk.

i think i shall go wage a war now.
visha's rational mind versus visha's creative mind.

either way i win.

ha!

fuck off.

2007-01-07T02:43:00.000+08:00

sometimes things happen. and when these things happen you realise that maybe the way you've been living your life isnt really all that fantastic. so you try to change. i know im doing my best.

so why the fuck is it that you fucking morons have to keep talking about me?

why is it that you insignifigant little clowns get such joy out of discussing and dissecting my life? is your life really truly so uneventful that you have to fucking discuss my life? and what about the idiot you discuss it with? is that bastard also as pathetically bored as you? the next time you're bored. watch tv. or surf porn. or wank in a corner. but fucking leave my life out of it.

i leave you alone. i dont fucking talk about who you're fucking. so why the hell is it so important who i talk to? and since when is talking to someone on a regular basis equate to him being my boy-fucking-friend. maybe you're so shallow and immature that you have yet to discover platonic friendships. in your words it would mean that a girl and a guy are friends. ya. thats right. boys and girls can be friends. they dont necessarily have to constantly fuck each others brains out or make out in buses and stairwells.

but what the fuck. i keep forgetting that these are concepts new to you. your underdeveloped brain somehow distorts information, corrupts it and spits it out of your filthy trap and all of a sudden i have not one but two boyfriends.

my my. maybe the next time i need an update as to who im dating i should come find you. you'd probably be able to tell me who i went on a date with last week, who im dating now and who im gonna date next week. my life story sounds so much juicier coming from your trap than when i actually live it. get a fucking life! i know for a fact that you are smarter than this. so why the fuck do you insist on spreading stupid rumors and ruining my life? and along with it, other people's lives?

if you have a problem with me. tell me. if you've got balls that is. dont fucking hide behind your girlfriend and whisper horrible lies behind my back. i dare you to come up to me and tell me straight to my face. but dont spread lies and rumors behind my back. cause it just makes you look like a coward and a low life who resorts to cheap tatics. dont make other people look bad beacuse you're not brave enough to face me.

i mean seriously. whats the point of me changing my ways and attempting to start afresh when you're gonna keep running your fucking mouth? if your mouth is really that itchy. go scratch it. or go suck a cock. i dont see the point in me trying to be a nice person when you're gonna fucking do your best to make me look like a whore and a bitch when im not.

and before you start trying to justify your lies with all your half baked excuses. think about this.

one day people are gonna be talking about what a two faced bastard you are. they're gonna be discussing what a whore you are over their cup of tea. and they're gonna be laughing at what a fool you made out of yourself.

so just fuck off and leave me in peace.
and may god bless you.

oh ya. just so you shut the fuck up.
im single.

something something

2007-01-05T14:56:00.000+08:00

as promised. NUS Vidiyal at the Dhool 2006 quater finals. please excuse the screaming and cheering. enjoy!

Rock on Vidiyalites

2007-01-02T01:24:00.000+08:00

WOOHOOO!!!

NUS Vidiyal totally rocked the stage! our supporters rocked the studio! and together, we brought the house down! it was the most amazing dance ive ever done! and im proud to be a Vidiyalite! *big sappy grin*

to all my fellow Vidiyalites:
we did one hell of an AWESOME job! who cares if selva thinks we didnt smile enough or show enough expression? the audience applause at the end of our dance made all the effort and late nights worth it! and we all know how much fun we had out on that stage. singing the song. cheering each other on. and screaming with the crowd! the perfectly executed solo by jerry and sha. the guys with their wonderful opening. the lindy stunts that were as in sync as they ever could be. raz'z super cool dappankutthu. faisal's big grin. bhav's stage presence. aarthi and jay's ever changing but always powerful solo. the awesome frames. and the impactful ending. it all came together to make one exhilarating performance! GREAT WORK Vidiyalites! we tight!

to our wonderful supporters:
we couldnt have done it without you guys! the brilliant banners. all the help with the props. coming down for our practices to give us moral support and constrcutive criticism. screaming your lungs out for us today. waving the banners like mad. i believe i speak for all the Vidiyalites when i say that your enthusiam, energy and excitement fueled our dance and brought it to a whole new level on stage today! the more you guys cheered the more we wanted to dance our hearts out and give you reason to cheer! thank you guys for everything!

and now.

its time to get down to work. semi-finals await. and believe me when i say we've got more suprises up our sleeves! so watch out! cause you're gonna be wondering what hit you!

NUS Vidiyal!
habla!

p.s: the dance video will be uploaded asap. once i get my hands on a copy!

and a happy new year!

2006-12-31T16:03:00.000+08:00

happy post! happy post!

haha.

i love this time of year. i love saying bye to the old year. and i get really excited to welcome the new year. new year. new possibilities. new opportunities. new clothes. new everything! its also the one time of the year where i really truly depart from my usual pessimistic self and get all cheery and optimistic. *grin*

haha.

see what i mean. im already laughing too much. and i havent even reached my aunt's house yet. thats where we hold the yearly "Booze and Boogie" countdown. where theres always too much alcohol. not that im complaining. haha.

well. anyways. the point of this post is not to talk about alcoholic parties or my temporary optimisim. there are some things i wish to say before the year ends in another 7 hrs and 34mins.

firstly. to my family.
thankew guys for being there for me through everything. for the awesome suprise 21st birthday party. thankew crunch for helping me make models. to the daddy for being patient (relatively) and sponsoring all my nonsense. to the mummy for entertaining me and sewing all our dance costumes though she so desperately wanted to visit IKEA. to the old lady for always irritating me till i laughed. to everyone else for simply being so loving and caring.

next. the two special loves of my life.
priya: you've been the bestest sweetest darling ever. thanks for staying up nights with me. thanks for buying me food when i havent eaten in ages. thanks for the hugs and the flowers. thanks for all the support during submission and dance pracs. thanks. for simply being there for me. *hugs&kisses*

sajivan: saji waji! without your cynicism and listening ear i might have lost my sanity several times. thanks for making me look forward to wednesdays. i've loved bitching with you about everything and everyone under the sun. here's to many more bitching sessions! *grin*

thirdly. the NUS Vidiyal bunch.
my darlings and sweethearts!. you guys have been awesome. and i know we're gonna bring the house down on 1st jan. sha. aarthi. bhav. faisal. raz. jay. jerry. we make one hell of a team and its been great fun working with all of you. there was never a dull moment. be it shopping in arab street. choreo and practice at AS7. or striptease in the toilets. tomorrow. we shall take over the world! *evil laugh*

moving on. the Archi family.
micki and jiaying. mugging was never so much fun. neither was it as scary. pgp will never be the same. i'll be haunted forever. haha. impressive how we've kept the tradition alive. 5 semseters now. haha. to the ann siang gang - derek (my fellow gossip whore), li hui, sijie, shauna, hui yu. the battles againgst the gays and mosquitos were life changing. and without you guys i might never have survived the wrath of lilan. to the rest of studio 2. only you guys will understand the love for "maama" and the horror of the late night sessions with lilan and nan quan. From sem 1 i have to thank Boony for boosting my desgin grade. and the DDS studio for keeping every session fun and lighthearted. oh ya! and not forgetting the "drip drip" ghost. haha. and gareth and his mini sea critters. *grin*

ah yes. the TLS comm.
kiran. jraj. durkesh. brinda. ghaz. ariff. nara. vim. angel. anu. kumar. santhya. you guys are sorely missed. we had an eventful year. though there were some nasty instances and finicky bits. it was for the most part brilliant. all the late nights and early saturday mornings. from the admin nonsense to the canvassing chaos. sleeping on canteen benches and song prac in the art room. thankew for the friendships and the memories. *hugs*

not forgetting. the PGP gang. (disbanded and scattered now)
nhu and caryn. the awesome parties and hungover nights. mal. i never realised the extent of my enlightenment till i met you. chait and thiru. i miss hanging with you guys! sappi. im still waiting for my grey's anatomy. vicky. hope you're having fun in mauritius. PGP's not the same without all of you!

lastly. to everyone else.
there are too many of you to list. but each of you have definately played a part in making my past year more meaningful and eventful. some of you i met in passing. some of you who chose to leave. some of you i havent known for long. some of you i'll probably never meet again. some of you ive hated. and some of you i wish i hadnt let go off.

but to all of you.
i know ive been a jackass more than once this year. and i know ive been a handful at times. to those who stood by me. i couldnt have asked for more. and for those who turned their backs. i'm willing to give it another shot this new year. my apologies to everyone for the hurt ive caused. for the misunderstandings and the harsh words. for the mess ive left behind.

so yes.
let's move on. let's start afresh. forget old grudges. and say goodbye to the ghosts of the past.

the new year's gonna be awesome.
for all of us.
*muahmuah*

cheers!
*hiccup*

NUS Vidiyal

2006-12-31T00:31:00.000+08:00

maggie mee hair. big butts. butt rash. smelly hats. sweet 16 couple. bhav. "naaaaaan!". mina-ma. hip hopper mat. dumb and blond. fatty and bombom. dance master jerry. gay smses. retarded photo sessions on the east bound train. banner painting. janitiorial duties. 3am. sha. "im a chin-cye girl". buttons. press studs. elastic bands. mass unpicking sessions. "its not just me. its about 8 dancers". prostitute somkers. viceroy menthol. next lights. pall mall lights. jerry. "i still dont get it." gloves. spastic finger association. headaches. blocked noses. axe-oil and panadol cold from cheers. aarthi. "is it that...". lectures. pep talks. settling accounts. setting fire to dustbins in celementi. smelly ballet shoes. colourful underwear. matching underwear. butt expose. "kudi beedi liquor lady". old married couple. video camera. faisal. "eh. faster faster!" bad angles. bales of cloth. shouting matches. goobye hugs. grouchy black faces. blur sleepy conversations. retarded jokes. smoking babies. naps at AS7. jay. "let's go people!". discussions with security guards. torn jeans. crazy spins. listen to the beat. "boom! ta-da-da ta-ta ta!". density. prawns. curly-wurlies. broken glasses. "habla". toilet excursions. staring intently at banners. white paint. mena-miniki. charlie chaplin. flamingo power. attitude. distractions. smile. "roger that!". diplomacy. smack that - acorn. butt spanking. banner marathons. "high on glitter". communal lung exercise. knn. visits to SDE. spray adhesive. spray paint. taxi. 96. tampines pondok. dunman sec. visha. "everyone bring your costumes for next prac!". measurements. factory production line. pin. trace. cut. unpin. krishna. "do you feel the stretch?". rushing from work. half day. dates with zaki at vivocity. raz. "forthedanceright. ithinkwe'realmost80%therela". welfare. friends. priya. sudan. hema. vili. kevin. kannan. mal. kamil. fabian. vjay. gayathri. gayathri. harish. anand. marain. durkesh. tailoring. aarthi's mummy. jerry's mummy. sha's mummy. my mummy. Desperate Housewives. moments. memories. laughter. tears. the good. the bad. the ugly. late nights. early mornings.

we've gone through so much.
but we're still in it together.
for all the reasons above.
and many many more.

there can only be one
NUS Vidiyal.
habla

dance dance.

2006-12-27T01:11:00.000+08:00

you know you're seriously involved in a dance competition when:

1. you keep seeing the same people almost everyday for weeks on the end.
(aarthi, sha, bhavani, faisal, raz, jerry and jay)

2. you spend hours with them everyday doing the same things only to see them the next day to do those things all over again.

3. you see your dancers more often then you see your parents.

4. your mum keeps your photo in her wallet to remind herself of what you look like.

5. you are officially a visitor in your own home, henceforth known as Hotel "insert your home address here".

6. your new home is located either in a pondok in the midst of HDB flats or in a glass walled area.

7. you've heard the same song on repeat so many times you've lost count.

8. the same song haunts you day and night.

1. you no longer remember the original music video for that song.

2. you have difficulty falling asleep at night because you keep running through dance steps mentally.

3. you're awake at 3am on a public holiday sewing costumes. ditto the night before. and the night after.

4. you dream in colour; the colour of your dance costumes.

5. the lady who owns the textile shop in arab street is your new best friend.

6. you make promises to avoid alcohol at new year countdown parties. and you're not kidding.

7. injuries and illness are disasters comparable to the plague, a volcanic eruption and a tsunami combined.

8. directions and angles are a lot more important than they were in E math class.

1. you realise that dancing is not just dancing. it involves tailoring, carpentry and advertising as well.

2. you acquire new skills: hemming, overlocking, unpicking, painting, cutting, spraying and banner painting.

3. a member of your family takes up a new profession: tailoring.

4. your social life is planned around dance practices. two weeks notice preferred.

5. forget lunch and dinner dates. having a proper meal is a luxury.

6. your diet consists primarily of mars bars, snickers bars, instant noodles, coke and ice lemon tea.

7. you adopt a new method of time keeping.
"5 days to ..." or "15 hrs to ..."

8. you have trouble remembering what number comes after 8.

1. you have variations in the way you count to 8.
"1, 2, 3...." "1 and, 2 and, 3 and.." "and 1, and 2, and 3..." "1, 2, 3 and, 4..."

2. your bag now includes a stash of deep heat, knee guards, ankle guards and painkillers. just in case.

3. your new faves:
favourite channel = MTV
favourite website = youtube.com
favourite show = so you think you can dance

4. you aspire to be a perfect combination of Beyonce, J.Lo, Usher and Justin Timberlake.

5. you have dreams of your fellow dancers dancing minus their partners and doing miraculous air borne spins.

6. your last date with your significant other was at dance practice. so was the one before that. and the one before that. and... you get the drift.

7. not seeing your dance partner 3 days in a row is more upsetting than not seeing your significant other for the same time.

8. all your friends are now professional critics and videographers.

so now that all of you know what its like.

SUPPORT NUS VIDIYAL!
habla.

go.

2006-12-26T01:21:00.000+08:00

ouch.

stop pinching me.
quit hurting me.
just leave.

go.

wishing i could tell you.

2006-12-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

Dear Boy,

i've thought about this long and hard. and i think its time you know.

i've told myself that it won't work. i've told myself not to hope for something that can never be. i've told myself that i should never look at you as more than just a friend. i've forced myself to not have more than friendly feelings towrds you. i keep denying and disguising. i keep stepping back so that i wont fall.

but i cant help it.

its happening. even as i try desperately to hold back. even as i tell myself repeatedly that this will never be. even as i tell myself that im not the girl for you. even as i force myself to ignore the feeling i get when you talk to me. its still happening.

im falling Boy.

i really cant help it. i know i shouldnt but i cant stop myself. we have such awesome conversations. and there's never a dull moment. you never fail to make me laugh and it all feels so right. i'm so comfortable with you that its scary sometimes. and though i'll never admit it to you i think you're one hell of an awesome guy.

i love the way we click. the way we can keep going for hours and never get bored. the way some of the things you say and do make me feel like slapping you and hugging you at the same time. the way we can talk about anything from serious issues to random nonsense. i love the way you laugh at almost everything. and i love your disgustingly sexy voice.

i cant help but think that we could be so good together.

but i dont think i'll ever be brave enough to tell you how i feel.

i admit it. im a coward. im afraid of getting hurt. im afraid of losing you as friend. im scared that things will change between us once i tell you, cause i know that they most definately will. and im absolutely terrified of your reaction if i were to tell you.

because i dont think you feel the same way about me.

but i guess i'll never really know how you feel, will i?

unless you tell me. unless you decide you feel it too and make the first move. unless you decide to open your heart and let me in. i'll just wait. wait for you to hold out your arms to me and pick me up from where ive fallen. wait for some miracle from cupid.

i'll just wait. and hope.

Wishing i could tell you,
Visha

love. dream. wish.

2006-12-21T13:22:00.000+08:00

do you believe in true love?

do you believe in romance and fireworks? do you believe in reading poetry by the fireplace? strolling along moonlit beaches and sharing soft kisses? watching sunrise and sunset hand in hand? slow dancing to music only two of you hear? flowers and scented candles?

do you believe that your soulmate is out there waiting for you?

i wish i could believe. i wish it was easy to hope and dream.

i wish.

judge me. judge me not.

2006-12-16T21:43:00.000+08:00

you.

yes you.

tell me.

who gave you the right to criticise me?
wh o gave you the license to look down on me?
who ever told you that you were right and i was wrong?
who granted you the liberty to charge me as guilty?

what was it that made you think that you're better then me?
was it something i said?
was it something i did?
or was it something i didnt say and didnt do?

even so.

who are you to judge me?

have you taken a good look at yourself?
stared down your reflection and looked beyond the facade?
stripped away the pretense and personas?
gazed with critical eye at the debris that lies buried underneath it all?

have you?

i doubt it.

if you have, you'd have realised that you're no different from me.
you're just as shallow and superficial as the rest of the world.
equally guilty of not saying things you should have said.
and doing things you shouldn't have done.

you're just as malicious and conninving as me.
and the rest of the world.

so tell me.

answer me just this once.

who died and made you God.

vietnam, ho chi minh!

2006-12-14T10:32:00.000+08:00

The Mekong River Song.
(sung to the tune of "Paatu paadava")

Paatu paadava
Padagil sellava
Mekong river-ilaay
Vaanthi edukkavaa!

Vaanthi edutha naatrathilay sethupoonango!
Antha Vaathiyilae Mekong river-um naaripoonatho!

well hello there.

i know i know. ive been mia recently. and all you sad little critters who read my blog to entertain your sad little lives must be feeling really bored.

well. worry no more!
for i am back!
and with stories from 'Nam nonetheless!

ha. ha.

so i went to vietnam with my family for 5 days. on an organised tour pacakge thingymagic. and we photowhored (1200++ photos).

handicapped laquer workshops. cao dai temple. saigon river cruise. chu chi tunnels. mekong river (thats where crunch and i made up the mekong river song). and many many shopping.

i was a millionaire for a day. (so were my mum, dad and sis).

the people were really friendly. everything was really cheap. hardly any traffic lights. too many motorbikes and scooters. nhu looked hot as ever (duh). her cousin is equally hot (double duh). the two norwegian guys just looked stoned and hungover (haha). riding pillon on a scooter without a helmet and dodging through traffic was exhilarating. crossing roads was a group excursion.

"bus 1" had awesomely fun old and middle aged people. "beer uncle" and his funny songs, silly stories and constant reminder that beer was cheaper than water. tour guide "chao" (which means water buffolo in vietnamese) and his vietnamese songs, incoherent ramblings and attempted singapore slang. "germaine" the ntuc rep from sg who was almost always late and apologetic. the "maharaja" and his wife "peranakan auntie" being so game about everything (unlike their two chubby middle aged daughters). "fiona and ronald" and their enthusiasm for shopping. and not forgetting "satan's army" consisting two evil children and their equally rude annoying mother.

the food was excellent. the girls were pretty, skinny and had such nice skin (damn!). the service was excellent and always rendered with a smile unlike in our beloved country. bargaining for ridiculosly priced items and getting them dirt cheap. being retarded in our hotel room with "crunch".

the old man selling his sketches. the adorable girl in the watermelon dress. the man who lost both arms and an eye in the war. the blur taxi driver. the cute guy with the nice music. the helpful security who stopped trafic for us. the cute lady who sold me tee shirts. the giggly girls at the tailor shop. the tired old lady who sold us books while getting her nails done. the 7yr old girl with really good english pestering us to buy postcards.

so many people - all beautiful in their own ways.
so many sights - so rich and colourful.
so many sounds - from honking horns to captivating melodies.
so many smells - tantilising combination of exhaust fumes and exotic fruits.

the experiance of being there and enjoying it all - simply priceless.

suicidal dreams.

2006-11-29T01:49:00.000+08:00

I dream about, how its going to end,
Approaching me quickly,
Leaving a life of fear,
I only want my mind to be clear,
People, making fun of me,
For no reason but jealousy,
I fantasise about my death,
Ill kill myself from holding my breath,

My suicidal dream,
Voices telling me what to do,
My suicidal dream,
Im sure you will get yours too,

Help me, comfort me,
Stop me from feeling what Im feeling now,
The rope is here,
Now Ill find a use,
Ill kill myself,
Ill put my head in a noose,

My suicidal dream,
Voices telling me what to do,
My suicidal dream,
Im sure you will get yours too,

Dreamin about my death, dream,
Suicidal, suicidal, suicidal dream,
Im suicidal,
Suicidal dream.

- Sliverchair-

and just in case anyone suspects the stability of my mind. im NOT suicidal. i just think its an awesome song that i can relate to.

politically incorrect

2006-11-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

i got this in my email. and it made me laugh. so i decided to be a nice person and share this with the rest of the you guys. *grin*

i wonder if someone will actually make a production along these lines. that'd be interesting. *grin*

mistakes and memories.

2006-11-26T01:56:00.000+08:00

everyone makes mistakes.

some more than others. and some mistakes worse than others. some mistakes we wish we could forget. some mistakes we force ourselves to remember. mistakes we learn from and mistakes we keep making. some mistakes that are forgiven. and some mistakes we can never forgive ourselves for.

why then do we keep making mistakes?

its easy to say sorry. its easy to claim it was an accident. its easy to blame it on erred judgement.

but sorry doesnt take away the pain. it doesnt change the fact that people were hurt. and it definitely dosent change the fact that whats done is done. theres no way of turning back time and changing your decision.

and even if u could turn back time,

how far back are you gonna go?

to the day you said goodbye? to the day you met? to the day you picked your first fight? to the day you first lied? to the day you said all those things you never meant to say to him? to the day you called your friend a bitch? to the day you betrayed someone's trust? to the day you ignored someone you loved? to the day you called to cancel your date? to the day you you first discovered the truth? to the day you made the wrong decision?

how far back do you want to go?

ive lost count of the mistakes that ive made. ive made countless bad judgement calls. ive made some pretty stupid decisions in my life. and i've definitely made some serious wrong moves. im not proud of these decisions. and im not proud of this person i was. i wish i had had the strength to do what was right. i wish i had possessed the courage to face up to what id done. maybe if i had. things would be different now. not better. not worse. but just. different.

if i were to be given the chance to change anything in my past. i know exactly what it is that i would change. it wouldnt have made life easier. if anything, it would have made it tougher. but it would also have made me happier. maybe if i hadnt decided so quickly and so rashly. maybe if i had been brave. maybe if i had thought things through a bit more. i might have changed my decision.

i was given the chance. to reverse my decision. but at that point. i was too scared. too afraid. unsure and undecided. i missed my chance. and now i'll never get it back.

all i have now is the pain. a pain so strong it claws at my insides. a hurt so deep its like a knife through the heart. chocking me. consuming me. my head hurts from the pain. and it gnaws at me every single day. all i have now is the pain. the pain and the memories.

and how i treasure those memories.
painful as they are.

all i can say now is that im sorry. i know it doesn’t change anything. i know it doesn’t make what i did right. and i know it doesn’t make you hate me any less. but i just hope you understand.

sorry.

inspired

2006-11-23T03:25:00.000+08:00

i have just been inspired. its not often that i am. but im really inspired now. who or what inspired me will remain a secret. but when the time comes my inspiration will be duly credited. *grin* now off to make big big plans to translate my inspiration into something tangible. afterall im gonna be so gloriously free after my exams end!

feels good to have something exciting to look forward to. especially when this something exciting materializing depends on me myself and i and not jackasses who play you out at the last minute.

*bounces of walls like crazed flubber ball*

haha. this is evidently a happy post. been a while since i made a happy post hasnt it?

*bounces of the walls some more*

*grin*

*still grinning*

haha. i'll go bask in my glorious happiness. woohoo! im even rhyming in my happiness! haha.

*still grinning*

denial.

2006-11-22T07:22:00.000+08:00

im in denial. im denying the existance of my history notes and instead doing random crap questionaires.

someone slap me quick.

1. how old did you wish you were?
i wish to be dead before anyone can even call me old

2. where were you when 911 happened?
studying for my "O" level geog paper or sth to tt effect. i was mugging in front of the tv and for some strange reason channel news asia was on. i was like holy crap. this must be some kinda american joke. but i changed tt thought quick when the 2nd tower collapsed.

3 what do you do when vending machine steals your money?
get pissed. kick the machine. shake the machine. swear i'll never buy anything from another vending machine. and repeat the entire process the next time a vending machine steals my money.

4 do you count yourself kind?
i duno. you tell me. but my name's supposed to mean "big hearted"

5 if you had to get a tatoo, where would it be?
just above my hip bone. i'd like a fairy in flight thank you very much.

6 if you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
mandarin? that way i could understand TV Mobile and half the world. ha.

7 do you know your neighbours?
depends. shakespeare had a whole other meaning to the word "know". *wink*

8 what do you consider a vacation?
anything that involves me doing nothing. travel and shopping would be awesome. a nice beach with no one but me, my laptop and my handphone would be nice too.

9 do you follow your horoscope?
when im in the mood.

10 would you move for the person you love?
who knows. but i'll def love you if you travel alot and bring me along! *grin*

11 are you touchy feely?
haha. yes.

12 do you believe that opposites attract?
thats about the only thing i learnt in physics.

13 dream job?
my dream is not to have a job.

15 favorite place to go on weekends?
home. to sleep. and eat home cooked food.

16 showers or baths?
baths. though i do believe i'd get bored of them after a while.

17 do you paint your nails?
erm. wat nails?

18 do you trust people easily?
yes. and as i have learnt. its a bloody foolish thing to do.

19 what are your phobias?
cramped crowded spaces.

20 do you want kids?
a son and a daughter. and in that order please.

21 do you keep a handwritten journal?
why? so that you can read it?

22 where would you rather be right now?
in dreamland. but the gothic and the renaissance beckon.

23 who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
erm.*silence* erm. *long silence* erm. *even longer silence*
i dont know dammit!

24 heavy or light sleeper?
heavy.

25 are you paranoid?
depends on what youre talking abt.

26 are you impatient?
pretty much. i get tired of waiting.

27 who can you relate to?
my image in the mirror.

28 how do you feel about interracial couples?
whatever rocks your boat!

29 have you been burned by love?
love? whats this strange new word "love"? *scratches head*

30 what's your favorite pick-up line?
when i call. and people pick up the phone and go "hello!!!"

31 what's your main ringtone on your mobile?
afrodisiac by brandy

32 what were you doing at midnight last night?
discussing the baroque and 19th century paris and laughing at Micki the troll.
*dont worry micki. i still love you in the heart of my littlest little hearts in one hidden corner* haha.

33 what did the last text on your cellphone say?
Dad - transfered $60.00 *cause i ran out of money after printing bloody notes*

34 whose bed did you sleep in last?
erm. the bed at home? my sister's?

35 what color shirt are you wearing?
white tank from an NUS bazaar. cheap nice and comfy.

36 most recent movie you watched?
im not much of a movie person. do one tree hill and grey's anatomy count?

37 name three things you have on you at all times.
earrings. nose stud. handphone.

38 what color are your bedsheets?
blue with yellow seashells. i love it.

39 how much cash do you have on you right now?
what you gonna do if i tell you? pick my pocket?

40 what is your favorite part of the chicken?
the breast. shut up.

41 what's your favorite town/city?
what a strange question.

42 i cant wait till...?
the end of this semeseter. seriously.

43 what did you have for dinner last night?
mee sua. where i ate all the veggie egg and meat and left most of the noodles.

44 do you own a gun?
double barreled shot gun. i suggest you make a run for it. now.

45 what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
coffee.

46 where do you think you'll be in 10 years time?
if not dead then married to a rich bloke. ha. i wish.

47 last thing you ate?
nasi lemak at fong seng.

48 what songs do you sing in the toilet?
whatever strikes my fancy.

49 last thing that made you laugh?
priya. and her stories about *erehem*.

50 worst injury you've ever had?
tore the ligament on my left wrist. had to get the damn thing operated.

51 does someone have a crush on you?
like i'd know!
*which kinda dumb person tells the person they have a crush on that they have a crush on them?*

52 what's your favorite candy?
ah ha! coconut candy. the pink and green ones my uncle and aunt make!

53 what song do you want played at your funeral?
" i wonder if you know! how they live in to-ki-o! if you seen it then you mean it and you know you have to go!
fast and furiooooooos! drift. drift. drift. fast and furiooooooooooos! drift. drift. drift."

54 four random people to do this?
priya, chait, chengwei and gareth.

bloody hell. that was one long damn questionaire.
back to history now.
toodles.

and the bus ride just got longer.

2006-11-20T17:02:00.000+08:00

as a concerned citizen of the society who takes public transport regularly for lack of the luxury of being chauffeured around, i propose that SBS Transit put up the following notice on all their buses installed with the devil's spawn: TV Mobile.

"why hello.
welcome to SBS Transit. your "used to be friendly until we installed TV Mobile" local bus operators. we hope you have a pleasant journey with us. and we also hope you enjoy the annoying broadcasts we have lined up for you on TV Mobile, available in 2 out of the 4 official languages of Singapore. english and yes, chinese. for the rest of you poor souls who were so unfortunate that you had to be born as a non chinese speaking individual. tough luck. being the minority does not entitle you to the privilege of enjoying TV Mobile shows in your mother tongue. so please. bear with us for catering to only the majority population. and if you find that difficult. please either take up mandarin language courses. or alight and take either a cab or an SMRT bus. thank you for your kind understanding that it is in our nature to sideline and marginalise the minority groups of this society.

p.s: feel free to write in to ST forum if you wish. but rest assured that we will delay in responding to your queries and also try our level best to ensure that we still do not include minority language programs."

is it just me or is SBS transit showing a blatant disregard for the minority groups in singapore by ignoring the discomfort, pain, suffering and overall unhappiness of these people when forced to watch mindless chinese and korean variety shows on the extremely pixelated and unstable TV Mobile? is it any wonder than that we'd rather pay ridiculous amounts in road tax, bid for exorbitant COE rates, and pay handsomely for a moderate to average car than to undertake the hazardous and highly nerve-wrecking experience of taking public transport? and since when are there more koreans than indians or malays in this little red dot?

ever since the introduction of TV Mobile into SBS Transit buses, life for me as a commuter has been nothing short of miserable. i have been force fed chinese and korean variety shows, breakfast shows, mtvs and commercials. dude. if i were that desperate to drown in chinese-ness. i'd watch channel 8. or channel U. is it any wonder then that some ignorant foreigners often go "Singapore? thats a part of China right?".

come on people. you claim that english is the lingua franca of the country. and yet you insist on televising chinese drama serials on TV Mobile. well if you really think that the chinese aunties and uncles will die from the barrage of english flooding their poor sensitive "mandarin only" ears. then wat about our malay and indian aunties and uncles? you think they like having to tolerate listening to english constantly attacking their hearing? im sure as hell they dont appericiate it. and then what do you insensitive imbeciles do, but add mandarin gibberish to their agony. its like rubbing salt on an open wound. no?

all im saying is.

if you're not going to cater to the minority groups by giving air time for malay and tamil programs. then please be considerate and save us the horror of sitting through chinese and korean shows.

if ure gonna torture us. then at least keep it to english which is more universal and less bewildering.

and if you insist on further damaging our already short sighted population by unleashing flickering screens and pixelated images. at least make sure you have a large variety of programs to keep us sufficiently entertained.

i realise that repetition is the way to imprint msges onto the subconscious. but why in heaven's name would anyone want to have Eason Chan's latest concert dates and songs imprinted in their subconscious? be warned. the next time i have a nightmare of Eason Chan in his tight gay singlet and tatty denims or of Diva on a Dime putting together another tacky outfit, im gonna find some grounds to sue SBS Transit for emotional trauma.

i know its sad but seriously.

Korean variety programs that display giggly, high pitched, and annoying hosts who get retarded contestants to behave in increasingly embarrassing ways are just not my cup of tea, thank you very much.

By the way.

I don't speak Korean.

Or Mandarin.

'nuff said.

2006-11-19T14:41:00.000+08:00

Abstract of my History Paper.
Pure Evil.

"The Theatre of Besancon, designed by Claude-Nicholas Ledoux, is the manifestation of the ideologies propagated during French Enlightenment. With the exploration of the duality of private/public, one is able to understand the connotations and implications of the split between the private and the public; such as the motivations behind the cleavage between the individual and social selves is constructed and how this is reflected architecturally.

The French Enlightenment is seen as a reaction to and against prevailing philosophies of the previous epoch. Where the monarchy and the church once dictated the architecture and lives of people, the French Enlightenment saw a shift in power to the society; where power was thrust into the hands of man; and freedom was bestowed in the form of democracy. The collapse of the monarchy heralded idealistic notions of the republic which espoused greater civil society participation, yet resulted in an increasing surveillance of private lives to ensure that no divisive transgression occur.

Changing the societal relations in such a manner would inevitably have an impact on architecture as well; the democratisation of society would translate into the consequent democratisation of space. This conflict is evident in Ledoux’s Theatre of Besancon- a public monument used as a place of performance in the form of the provincial middle-class entertainment, which was patronised by the royal administration and open to the well-behaved working population. The seeming dissolution of the social stratification as an ideology to illustrate democracy, has instead brought about another form of control- the surveillance of the public, where the audiences are to see everything and in turn be seen by everyone.

Together with the use of the contemporary notions of Jeremy Bentham about the Panopticon and Foucault’s subsequent appropriation of the idea in Discipline and Punishment, the paradox of the French Enlightenment theatre’s conceptual values and the actual built Theatre of Besancon will be discussed."

'nuff said.

those who lie and those who believe the lies

2006-11-16T20:45:00.000+08:00

amazing.

simply amazing how some people will vehemently choose to ignore and disbelieve the facts even if you bundle it in glow in the dark wrapping and shove it right into their myopic scope of vision.

maybe you're drowning in a sea of endless love. maybe you're suffering from a disease called "blind faith". maybe its because you're scared to admit that you dont really know him as much as you think you do. maybe its because you fear that admitting to even the possibility of his infidelity is gonna kill your fantasy.

but you want to know what i call it?

i call it unwavering stupidity.

i suggest that since you're so all consumed and very evidently brainwashed by this person, you go build him a temple to showcase all your well meaning delusions. and when fate finally fucks with you, at least you'll have a place to go have a good cry. a place where no one will disturb you.

trust me apart from you and a bunch of other blinded fools, no other self respecting human being would visit your sacrilegious shrine.

if i ever find the fool who said "ignorance is bliss" i will slap him right across his deluded face with a frozen leg of lamb. his lies are polluting the minds of otherwise innocent and truth seeking individuals. it is the canker worm eating away at the fruit of knowledge. i dont blame you for thinking that denial is the best solution and ignorance is the cure. i blame it all on the fool who's been lying to get people to join him in his flight from reality.

but i am a firm believer in "knowledge is power".

and i most definitely have the knowledge. knowledge that'll make sure that im less likely to get hurt than all you fools who wanna believe your lies. go ahead. be my guest. lie to yourself. dig your own grave. but dont come crying to me when u get fucked. cause im just gonna say "i told you so".

of angels and demons

2006-11-15T04:46:00.000+08:00

so. im back. after a long hiatus. oweing to the fact that my laptop decided to take a diving course in rain water and design being an absolute pain and dhool consuming all my remaining energy. but now i'm back and all's well in the world.

or not.

evidently this is gonna be an angsty post. and too bad if you dont like it. cause its my god given right to be angsty and pissed. so deal with it.

now getting to the point of this post. in the recent few weeks when i have been MIA there have been a large number of non-school and non-dhool related developments which i find to be very enlightening. ive realised that people are not who you think they are. i know this sounds cliched but its true. and i never realised how true it was till recently. its amazing the things people will do and say and then deny. and its amazing how they twist stories around. and most amazing of all is they way they are so convinced by the innocence and chastity of their friends that they'll never believe anything anyone tells them so long as it opposes thier preconcieved notions.

ha.

if only these fools knew. and yes. you are fools.

blind fools.

the people they think are so devoted and innocent are actually lying cheating creatures. just because they never make the first move doesnt mean they dont reciprocate. and just because they dont reveal certain details it doesnt make them innocent. just because the person telling the story may not be respected doesnt mean that your friend is the victim. and it definately doesnt mean that though the interpretaion may be misplaced the action was any less real.

so you fools think your friends are angels. well i think my friends are angels too.

but if there's a difference between you and me. its that i accept that my angels do make mistakes.

i admit that my angels fall for the wrong men. i admit that my angels sometimes lie. i admit that my angels do things they're not proud off.

but my angels will own up to it. unlike yours.

truth be told. you have no angels. only demons who hide behind masks. masks that hide who they really are. hiding behind the shadow of an imaginary persona. concealing the truth behind a beautifully woven pack of lies. you think they tell you the truth. you think you know all thats true and good about them. you think you know the worst of their mistakes and their lies. but i know better. i know truths about your "angels" that would make your hair curl. just because im no angel doesnt make my stories any less real then theirs. just because ive made mistakes and i act in ways that im not proud off doesnt mean you can take advantage of me. it doesnt mean that my truths hold any less water than your beliefs.

maybe if you took the time to really see me instead of judge me. you'd see the real me. and maybe when you do see the real me you'll finally be open to changing your myopic perspective of those supposed angels you call friends. maybe the brotherhood is united by blood and life. but that doesnt make me a bitch and a liar. and it definately doesnt make you saints and me a sinner.

lying to your friends about things you say and do. twisting the truth to suit it to you. changing the stories and omiting details to paint a better picture of you. it might work now. you might have them fooled. but how long can u keep up this charade? how long can you bury the truth? how many stories and how many lies? how long can you keep being superficial?

more importantly. how long will they believe you?

one day.

the mask will slip. the fantasy will fade. the wall of lies will crumble. and the truth will break the dams of deceit which you have built.

and on that day. you'll be sorry.

on that day. you'll wish you'd never lied.

because on that day.

you'll be alone.

but i'll still have my angels.

happy birthday

2006-10-30T00:43:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Daddy!

answers

2006-10-24T13:12:00.000+08:00

Now for the long awaited answers to the quiz posted last week. And the false statements are as follows:

4. i love mooncakes with yolks.
( i really hate the icky runny orangey yolks.they have a really disgusting taste.)

6. i cant survive for more than 3 meals without eating something spicy.
(this is evidently a lie. i was in china for 2 weeks people! that country is devoid of spicy-ness!)

13. i love taking photos of me.
(actually i dont. unless im high or in a particularly crazy mood.)

17. my greatest fear is that i will not live past 35 given my many undesirable habits.
(since you guys dont seem to know this. it is in fact my aim to die by 35 and hold my funeral at MOS)

20. the longest ive gone without sleep is 48 hours.
(tsk tsk. i expected this to be obvious. my current record is 62 hours.)

And now, the scores!

Hoppy: 2/5
Aarthi: 2/5
Puva: 3/5
Vicky: 1/5
Crunch: 2/5
D: 2/5
Chai:0/5
Tru: 2/5

Man you guys are hopeless.tsk tsk.

p.s: im really not lying abt 18. i really DO hate sleeping with other people. exceptions are when im dead tired or the other person doesnt come in contact with me when im sleeping. i like being able to throw my arms and legs wherever i want.

viva la vivo city. or not.

2006-10-24T00:53:00.000+08:00

i finally visited vivo city on friday with saji, though both of us were insisting just the night before that we wouldnt succumb to the vivo fad and that we'd wait for the official opening before we set foot in the place. we're so weak. tsktsk.

anyways. we had an awesome time there. the architecture was disappointing; after all the hype about toyo ito designing it and all it turned out to be a concrete monstrosity with really bad craftsmanship. but the shops were fun. esp the toys 'r' us. *grin*. and we even bought something (technically puva, who met us later bought jeans from giordano, but it still counts!)

enough said. i shall let the pics speak for themselves.

i is loving this shirt many many! someone has to buy it for me!

firewoman for the day! woohoo!

halloween at toys 'r' us!

rock on saji! green curry puff hair is so totally your thing *wink*

trying and failing to look sexy with the feather boa.

saji, on the other hand, succeeded brilliantly!

keling kia extrodinaire!

haha. this was when esprit threw us out.

i have a thing for trench coats.guess the security didnt. =)

evidently it was my photo whoring day. thankew so much saji and puva for putting up with me and taking all those pics. *muakz*

Friday, October 20, 2006, 0649hrs.

2006-10-20T06:44:00.000+08:00

its always that time of year. that time of week. that time of the day. when the first light breaks the dark of night. the gold in the horizon. struggling to break free. desperate to dispell the gloom of the night. the hour where hope is renewed. the moment when you look up, out and you feel loved. the moment when there seems to be purpose. when everything looks pure. when new life awakens. when the world is innocent. the moment when you look at the world through a child's eyes and see only good. when even shadows have colour. when you hug yourself. smile at nothing in particular. feel joy, simply because. feel at peace. feel right.

sigh.

the good, the bad and the ugly.

2006-10-19T23:02:00.000+08:00

the good news: LC didnt slap my face. She didnt even diss my design as much as usual.

the bad news: She didnt have anything positive to say either.

the good news: I kinda like the way my design is progressing, aesthetically.

the bad news: I'm way behind the rest of my studio in terms of design development.

the good news: My scheme is unique and interesting.

the bad news: I have major structural issues.

the good news: I have a strong concept to design translation.

the bad news: I have too many issues to resolve; issues that may result in a disappointing final product.

the good news: Deepavali is on saturday.

the bad news: Studio is on monday and interim PUNT crit is on thursday.

the good news: there is no more good or bad news.

the ugly: my face looks like a pimple bazaar, i havent slept in 36 hrs, i have a presentation to complete by 9am tomorrow morning and im low on coffee and other life sustaining consumables.

the good news: this post has ended.

P.S: i hate the NUS network as well as MSN.

parasite

2006-10-19T05:27:00.000+08:00

i have a parasitic design. its crawling over all the other buildings. come 1pm today LC is gonna slap my face in studio.

why why why?

why am i paying NUS Archi 6000 bucks a year to torture me?

i knew it. im masochistic.

MA1101E: How to Spot a "Maama"

2006-10-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

Today i braved the serangoon road deepavali crowd and went in search of bangles and earrings to match my saree and i must say it was an insightful experiance. For the novice who is blissfully ignorant of the "anjadi" and "mangamma" breed of homo sapiens, serangoon road in the week leading up to deepavali would be an excellent location to start your education. Today i will give a lesson on "how to spot the anjadi/mangamma" hence forth refered to as "Maamas".

How to Spot a "Maama"
Module Code: MA1101E (4 modular credits):

1. Look out for walking fashion disasters
- clashing colours in the same outfit
- animal print anywhere in the outfit
- out dated bell bottoms
- overly tight fitting shirts
- fire and dragon print anything
- faux fur purses or bags or whatever on the chicks

2. Observe the railings lining any part of serangoon, there are usually some "maamas" perched on them like crows stalking their prey (prey refering to random indian chicks walking past)

3. Listen out for bad out of tune singing, accompanied by lots of howling and banging sounds, those are the marks of a "maama" convention where they howl and scream like cats being slaughtered

Now that we have discussed the main distinguishing features of a "maama", it would, at this juncture, be prudent to note that under no circumstance should one look at a specimen of the "maama" species for more than 5 seconds. Failure to observe this unspoken rule would result in the insulted "maama" rushing to pick a fight with you (if its a guy), or rushing to get her boyfriend to pick a fight with you (if its a girl). "Maamas" live in a deluded fantasy world where they believe that they are royalty and not the be stared at, and although we know that it is far from the truth, we will humour them to save serangoon from any more bloodbaths.

Also do not even dream of passing any comment about a "maama" loud enough so that they can hear it. If you do feel the extreme desire to pass a comment and you suffer from "word vomit syndrome", please ensure that your comment is given in a sufficiently high standard of english and is as grammatically correct as possible. Chances are, most "maamas" you encounter are probably suffering from brain damage, low IQ and a low processing speed as a result of the frequency of them drinking, smoking and getting into fights.

With this i conclude my lesson on the "maamas". Hopefully, you have learnt how to spot a "maama" and how to deal with one effectively. In the event that you do get confronted by some, do a quick mental once over and guage if you can run faster then them. If u think you can, then RUN! If you dont think you can, or there are too many of them, make a quick phonecall to Singapore Indian Casket and make your reservations.

I heard Rajoo Casket is equally good.

Good luck!
=)

sniff sniff

2006-10-17T16:35:00.000+08:00

i feel sick. i think i have a fever. im feeling cold in the middle of central forum. something is wrong somewhere. ive never felt cold in central forum. sucks.

on another note. had lunch with pris today and we decided that NUS has no hot boys let alone hot men. it doesnt even have cute boys. only indian and chinese scholars and bums who are about as mature as a newly hatched tadpoles. *shudder* makes you question what happened to good looks, charm and sexiness. i think these days i get more of a kick eating chocolate, watching one tree hill and grey's anatomy than checking out specimens of the opposite sex.

its sad. maybe thats why im sick. my self is sick of sub standard males.

really sad.

indignation

2006-10-17T01:02:00.000+08:00

awewome video by hossan leong singing about singapore.haha.

so you think you know me?

2006-10-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

i insisit that all you people out there who are my friends do this. answer in the tagboard. and if i dont see your answers you'll die. kidding. or not. haha.

got this off crunch's blog:

1. think of 15 things about yourself that are interesting and true
2. come up with 5 false statements about yourself, make sure they're believable
3. jumble them up and post it.
4. get people to guess the 5 false statements

so here goes. good luck people!

1. i used to think that my sister was the most annoying thing that ever existed and contemplated murdering her all through my primary school days.
2. i regret taking architecture all the time and question why i am in the uni on a regular basis.
3. i use body lotion on my hair instead of regular hair cream.
4. i love mooncakes with yolks.
5. if i do not get married before i am 30 i will still go ahead and make some babies for me.
6. i cant survive for more than 3 meals without eating something spicy.
7. i read my younger brother's story books and magazines.
8. i have been aware of my tendencies towards females since i was 17.
9. in my opinion true love is over-rated and does not exist.
10. i miss my family when im in pgp and sometimes mope when my mum doesnt call me.
11. i used to be addicted to running and ran 5km every other day for the fun of it.
12. i have planned my funneral more often than i have planned my wedding or graduation. and i have actual fun doing it.
13. i love taking photos of me.
14. i hate the taste of tequila.
15. i regularly have dreams where i kill people i know and dont know or where i get killed.
16. i have a secret crush on one of my uni lecturers.
17. my greatest fear is that i will not live past 35 given my many undesirable habits.
18. i hate sleeping on the same bed with other people.
19. i cheated on my physics yr 1 promo exam.
20. the longest ive gone without sleep is 48 hours.

haha. enjoy!

and everyone better do it! =)

amazing

2006-10-16T06:04:00.000+08:00

wow.

i do not believe that i am having actual fun setting up my blog. brings back memories of the javascript course i took (and promptly forgot) in sec 1. it was pretty cool. now the only flashy things i know how to use are photoshop and revit. but i do not, i repeat, do not know how to use excel. which is why im amazed at my skill. please dont tell me its idiot proof and spoil my joy (even if it really is idiot proof). for a techno dino like me this is a momentous occasion.

like wow. =)

the begining of the end

2006-10-16T03:38:00.000+08:00

so hello.

evidently being someone averse to blogging i have absolutely no idea why i even bothered. call it boredom. call it denial. call it watever u want. im here now.

so deal with it.

for those of you out there hoping for a happy sunshine-y "alls gonna be well in the world" blog.

get a life.

everyone else. you're welcome to visit.

haha.

Faces hide as much as they reveal; things arent always what they seem

bore.dom.

to stay or not to stay.

relationships

physics

birdsongs

a song.

a million miles away.

time.

i apologise

more than 10 things i hate about you.

the archi-tortured soul

miss you.

tears.

waiting.

and she loved him.

the simple things.

faerie magic

sing to me

sweet dreams.

broken heart.

Hollywood Kiss.

Absence.

enough is enough.

lau.

you're the best thing that i have.

what if.

pain

goodbye.

be warned.

farewell.

me.

photoshop.

truth.

thoughts.

NUS Vidiyal and the Finals

sms vote -space- 2 to 73388

nature

Vidiyalites Rock!

irony.

he.

make it stop.

love. war. and the third person.

fuck off.

something something

Rock on Vidiyalites

and a happy new year!

NUS Vidiyal

dance dance.

go.

wishing i could tell you.

love. dream. wish.

judge me. judge me not.

vietnam, ho chi minh!

suicidal dreams.

politically incorrect

mistakes and memories.

inspired

denial.

and the bus ride just got longer.

'nuff said.

those who lie and those who believe the lies

of angels and demons

happy birthday

answers

viva la vivo city. or not.

Friday, October 20, 2006, 0649hrs.

the good, the bad and the ugly.

parasite

MA1101E: How to Spot a "Maama"

*sniff sniff*

indignation

so you think you know me?

amazing

the begining of the end

sniff sniff